It’s the middle of the night here. I don’t know why I woke up, but I know I was just dreaming about him.
We were breaking-up. I don’t remember any details, just the feelings…
I was trying to stay calm the whole time, and mostly succeeding. Well, I wanted to cry, but I just kept everything in side. Then, somewhere in there I started punching the wall as many times as I could. He was in the same room with me.
I was hurting inside, but I just said quietly and with a sigh to him and the other person that was there…
I have to go.
Oddly, enough, then I was saying goodbye to everyone in my family, mostly my mom’s side of the family. And they were all crying, like I was leaving forever. I felt really bad, and hesitated, but then said goodbye and walked across the field, and was gone.
Then I just woke up.
When I was falling asleep last night, I was happy. I was thinking about China Man and about how I just like him for who he is. There’s a quote I like from the movie Mozart and the Whale. It says, “You can’t disappoint me, because who you are is exactly what I want.” That’s how I feel with China Man, except last night I was so at peace with not having him and still liking him, just for who he is, not because he means something in my life romantically anymore. It felt like what “letting go” must feel like.
Only problem is… I wake up to missing him.
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