For the past few months now I’ve been keeping my cool around my family. I’ve been trying my hardest to be patient with my parent’s constant and unnecessary nagging but I can only go so far. I can only keep my feelings locked up for so long and tonight was the night where every thing just spilled.
One simple word from my mother triggered my bottled up anger. She’s constantly making me feel bad for what I do and making everything seem like a mistake. One moment she’ll tell me how beautiful my art is and next thing I know she’s restricting my opportunities. She keeps limiting me as if forcing me to quit art. I can feel her underlying goal for me -something she couldn’t push to either of my sisters. So tonight, though I regret doing it, I shouted at her. The moment the words “leave me alone” came out I’d already foreseen how guilty I would feel.
I hate knowing that I’m losing. I hate knowing that she’s slowly making me feel like I’ve got no choice but to follow what she wants. I hate knowing that I’m going to give up pretty soon.
I understand that getting a more stable major could help my family in the Philippines. I understand that they’re having troubles there but I’m done sacrificing. I’m done giving up my happiness for others. I don’t want to live knowing I made a mistake. I don’t want the what ifs in life. I knew what I wanted but I also knew I needed to be patient with my parents.
Sure, they won’t criticize my cousins who threw away their opportunities to get pregnant or to have a family before being financially stable but they sure will criticize a group of kids who’re taking risks to get to their dream. Sure, that makes sense. I’ve written about this before: Hard to Breathe.
My parent’s, only for a few days, tolerated my love for art but I wish they hadn’t. My mom would hint on things that I should draw. My father pestered me about creating art that would please people. They pushed me to the extent that I actually hated art. I can’t take them anymore and I’m just tired of always feeling insufficient. I’m at a loss and I feel like I’m losing miserably. I seriously have this feeling that I’m about to give up soon. I can’t take this pain anymore.
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